Week One
I've written a blog before. I enjoyed writing it although I never gained many followers or readers or whatever. It was a mixture of family stuff and politics. Opinion, I guess. But this one has an endgame in sight. I realised that it is fifty weeks until I turn fifty. And in these weird and unpredictable times, I thought it would be good to have a weekly recap to look back at. I'm hoping some people might join in but I'm not going to tell anyone that I actually know or to refer to this blog on my existing Facebook, Instagram or Twitter accounts. I may start new 'Fifty Until Fifty' social media accounts though. Depends how keen I feel!
So, last year I had this idea that it was too much pressure to be thinking 'I'll do that for my fiftieth' all the time. I had lost a cousin two days short of her fiftieth. She had had cancer for many years and lived every day as if it was her last. She managed to do so many things from her bucket list. Truly inspirational. My plan therefore was to have a 'to do' list for the time before I actually hit fifty.
However, the time since my forty eighth and forty ninth birthdays has not gone as planned. My husband was diagnosed with depression - a long story which I may elaborate on at some point - and then he lost his job - nothing to do with the depression but it caused a partial breakdown. He was just getting back to some idea of job options when the pandemic reached the UK. During lockdown we have lost his mother (not from the virus but it was even more hideous than it would have ordinarily been due to the restrictions). And jobs are few and far between even if he was in a fit mental state to be looking. Which he definitely is not. He has nothing to take his mind off his losses.
Lockdown has also brought us a teen with no GCSEs to do and teen who is homeschooling but misses school desperately. I am furloughed from a retail job but expecting to have to return imminently.
The retail job was an unexpected joy last year. It was part of my plan to get back to work. Mostly at home for my kids' entire lives. I did all sorts of weird and wonderful jobs before children and being a stay-at-home parent was just how it worked out. My husband worked away and I was not employed when we had our first child. So there was nothing to go back to, we were okay financially and it seemed to make sense to be with him.
Such a long break means you can't just walk back into something you did nearly twenty years ago though. So after a few sessions with a life coach, I decided I wanted to do an MA and go into academia for a new post-children career. But I wanted to get my confidence back and to actually meet new people from all different ages and backgrounds. And the part-time retail job gave me that. I have loved it in general. Christmas Eve was hideous but the rest of it? I even quite like stockroom work.
And it gave me such a happy place in the face of what was happening at home. I could just get on with relatively repetitive work, out of the house and with people who made me laugh. When I did finally have to admit that things weren't great, their first thought was me. What did I need? How could they help me, not him? They were brilliant. I'm keen to go back despite the virus risks. Is that wrong?
Lockdown has been - as it has for most people - some of the weirdest weeks of my life. I try to keep positive but I've had very low days. I try to keep the kids positive but it seems utterly endless to them. They can't believe things will ever feel right again. Maybe they won't, I think as I try to reassure them. And I'm battling to keep my husband sane whilst being so completely fed up with the situation in the world, in the country, in our home.
So here ends week one of this fifty week blog. My hopes for by the time I reach week fifty?
1) a vaccine or the elimination of the virus;
2) safe and well family and friends
3) my children back in school in a meaningful way, able to commune properly with their friends.
4) no restrictions on having a birthday party or on going travelling - no idea of how to celebrate yet
5) job for husband and possibly a new job for me - I love my job but I think I need more.
Fingers crossed.
So, last year I had this idea that it was too much pressure to be thinking 'I'll do that for my fiftieth' all the time. I had lost a cousin two days short of her fiftieth. She had had cancer for many years and lived every day as if it was her last. She managed to do so many things from her bucket list. Truly inspirational. My plan therefore was to have a 'to do' list for the time before I actually hit fifty.
However, the time since my forty eighth and forty ninth birthdays has not gone as planned. My husband was diagnosed with depression - a long story which I may elaborate on at some point - and then he lost his job - nothing to do with the depression but it caused a partial breakdown. He was just getting back to some idea of job options when the pandemic reached the UK. During lockdown we have lost his mother (not from the virus but it was even more hideous than it would have ordinarily been due to the restrictions). And jobs are few and far between even if he was in a fit mental state to be looking. Which he definitely is not. He has nothing to take his mind off his losses.
Lockdown has also brought us a teen with no GCSEs to do and teen who is homeschooling but misses school desperately. I am furloughed from a retail job but expecting to have to return imminently.
The retail job was an unexpected joy last year. It was part of my plan to get back to work. Mostly at home for my kids' entire lives. I did all sorts of weird and wonderful jobs before children and being a stay-at-home parent was just how it worked out. My husband worked away and I was not employed when we had our first child. So there was nothing to go back to, we were okay financially and it seemed to make sense to be with him.
Such a long break means you can't just walk back into something you did nearly twenty years ago though. So after a few sessions with a life coach, I decided I wanted to do an MA and go into academia for a new post-children career. But I wanted to get my confidence back and to actually meet new people from all different ages and backgrounds. And the part-time retail job gave me that. I have loved it in general. Christmas Eve was hideous but the rest of it? I even quite like stockroom work.
And it gave me such a happy place in the face of what was happening at home. I could just get on with relatively repetitive work, out of the house and with people who made me laugh. When I did finally have to admit that things weren't great, their first thought was me. What did I need? How could they help me, not him? They were brilliant. I'm keen to go back despite the virus risks. Is that wrong?
Lockdown has been - as it has for most people - some of the weirdest weeks of my life. I try to keep positive but I've had very low days. I try to keep the kids positive but it seems utterly endless to them. They can't believe things will ever feel right again. Maybe they won't, I think as I try to reassure them. And I'm battling to keep my husband sane whilst being so completely fed up with the situation in the world, in the country, in our home.
So here ends week one of this fifty week blog. My hopes for by the time I reach week fifty?
1) a vaccine or the elimination of the virus;
2) safe and well family and friends
3) my children back in school in a meaningful way, able to commune properly with their friends.
4) no restrictions on having a birthday party or on going travelling - no idea of how to celebrate yet
5) job for husband and possibly a new job for me - I love my job but I think I need more.
Fingers crossed.
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